So once again I find myself perspiring over my phone, willing for it to buzz with a message from a guy I went out with last night. I’m so tired of dating; you spend so long getting to know one person and then it falls through in one way or another and you have to start all over again. Furthermore to this fact, there is nothing more horrendously boring than asking/replying to the “Where are you from?” “What do you do?” mandatory questions. If you pass this QUIZ round successfully, and not too blandly you then go through to the DATE round where you have to navigate social construct, hold in those nervous farts and attempt to be interesting while at the same time try to care and remember what your date says without getting too drunk on your large shiraz because you didn’t eat tea. It is a minefield out there in the bars of Shoreditch. I hate the uncertainty of it; what gives most people “butterflies”, gives me a wine headache of enormous proportions.
The thing is if you don’t go through this dramatic mating richule every now and then to find your tru beau (or suitable person to settle for) you will undoubtedly end up lonely and alone. It’s just such a pain. I don’t have a lot of time to waste with wankers who bring up Nigel Farage as a case for misconstrued politics. “Misconstrue this motherfucker!” *lets out all farts loudly*. All this waiting around is stupid too, and I don’t get how some people really love it and can be so chill about it, seriously, how?! Do you never over-think to yourself that what if the reason you haven’t got a reply is because you forgot to use deo so you had BO? Or that you were too vocal about how much you despise 50 Shades Of Grey and adore Mara Wilson and her backlash to it?
Maybe it’s just the winter making me crazy cold and miserable, but I just cannot be bothered with going out to meet people for a drink if I know it’s probably going to be a lost cause. I could just buy an armpit shaped pillow and cuddle up to it, because this is normal isn’t it? Fuck it, it’s all I have left!
All I’m trying to say is that I don’t care if a man isn’t interested in me, but I would just like to know, sooner rather than later. But you can never know this without actually meeting them. Can someone please invent some sort of compatibility scanner so I can just laser it over my dates a la supermarket sweep and either stay or walk away (Copyright KT 2015). I want something simple, but with the label, and I can’t be bothered to find out all about every breed of dog your family has ever owned and dug addicted, estranged relatives. If you’re going to be super creepy and plan our lives together after a 20 minute coffee, I want to find that shit out too before I’m halfway through my second cup, thinking of all the laundry I have neglected that is slowly decaying in my washing machine at home. I want to know where I stand, as in, if I should stand up and leave, and I want to know it now.
I am tired of dating. I am tired of putting all my eggs in one basket (bad eggs, geddit? ^^^ ;)) I wish finding a boyfriend that I find mildly attractive and can hold a conversation with was as easy as making a bowl of Super Noodles, and just as warm and possibly detrimental to your health (but in a good way). Considering that I now live in the capital you would think that I would meet all manner of men and be overwhelmed with relationship possibilities. Evidently, such is not the case, and I shall retire to bed with my bowl of beef flavour noodles and fond memories of that time I saw Charlie Hunnam on Oxford Street.
I’ve now moved to London for work, and mainly all I’ve heard off everyone isn’t, “Oh well done, that’s going to open up so many career possibilities for you and you’re going to have the time of your life!” It has been, “Oh you’re going to find a nice man in London! You’re going to meet such a rich financier!” What the fuck is with everyone? I’m not chasing dick around the country, and I don’t have a compass that always points to due Penis. My love of hip-hop has instilled the ideals of the man I want anyway, so listen to these life lessons: