If I documented my latest date using only one picture

  

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Instant Boyfriend

So once again I find myself perspiring over my phone, willing for it to buzz with a message from a guy I went out with last night. I’m so tired of dating; you spend so long getting to know one person and then it falls through in one way or another and you have to start all over again. Furthermore to this fact, there is nothing more horrendously boring than asking/replying to the “Where are you from?” “What do you do?” mandatory questions. If you pass this QUIZ round successfully, and not too blandly you then go through to the DATE round where you have to navigate social construct, hold in those nervous farts and attempt to be interesting while at the same time try to care and remember what your date says without getting too drunk on your large shiraz because you didn’t eat tea. It is a minefield out there in the bars of Shoreditch. I hate the uncertainty of it; what gives most people “butterflies”, gives me a wine headache of enormous proportions.

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The thing is if you don’t go through this dramatic mating richule every now and then to find your tru beau (or suitable person to settle for) you will undoubtedly end up lonely and alone. It’s just such a pain. I don’t have a lot of time to waste with wankers who bring up Nigel Farage as a case for misconstrued politics. “Misconstrue this motherfucker!” *lets out all farts loudly*. All this waiting around is stupid too, and I don’t get how some people really love it and can be so chill about it, seriously, how?! Do you never over-think to yourself that what if the reason you haven’t got a reply is because you forgot to use deo so you had BO? Or that you were too vocal about how much you despise 50 Shades Of Grey and adore Mara Wilson and her backlash to it?

Maybe it’s just the winter making me crazy cold and miserable, but I just cannot be bothered with going out to meet people for a drink if I know it’s probably going to be a lost cause. I could just buy an armpit shaped pillow and cuddle up to it, because this is normal isn’t it? Fuck it, it’s all I have left!

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All I’m trying to say is that I don’t care if a man isn’t interested in me, but I would just like to know, sooner rather than later. But you can never know this without actually meeting them. Can someone please invent some sort of compatibility scanner so I can just laser it over my dates a la supermarket sweep and either stay or walk away (Copyright KT 2015). I want something simple, but with the label, and I can’t be bothered to find out all about every breed of dog your family has ever owned and dug addicted, estranged relatives. If you’re going to be super creepy and plan our lives together after a 20 minute coffee, I want to find that shit out too before I’m halfway through my second cup, thinking of all the laundry I have neglected that is slowly decaying in my washing machine at home. I want to know where I stand, as in, if I should stand up and leave, and I want to know it now.

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I am tired of dating. I am tired of putting all my eggs in one basket (bad eggs, geddit? ^^^ ;))  I wish finding a boyfriend that I find mildly attractive and can hold a conversation with was as easy as making a bowl of Super Noodles, and just as warm and possibly detrimental to your health (but in a good way). Considering that I now live in the capital you would think that I would meet all manner of men and be overwhelmed with relationship possibilities. Evidently, such is not the case, and I shall retire to bed with my bowl of beef flavour noodles and fond memories of that time I saw Charlie Hunnam on Oxford Street.

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Tasty Baby

This Is What Crazy Looks Like Via Blogging

CAUTION: OITNB SPOLIERS/GRATUITOUS MORELLO APPRECIATION POST!

Can everyone please leave Morello the fuck alone?! During season 2 of Orange is the New Black, alot was revealed about Lorna Morello and why she was in prison, ultimately for being crazy in love, literally, with Christopher, a man she went on one date with.

Maybe I’m severely unhinged, or maybe I’ve just planned out too many weddings to too many people who hardly knew/don’t know I existed, (hello Adrien Brody) but I can see how she got like this. Maybe not the bomb under his new girlfriend’s car or anything extreme, but the desperation, yeah. Dating is so tough and meeting someone you honestly get on with and genuinely like, and who feels the same way back, is ridiculously hard, so this desperate, quite crazy, very clingy need for love is maybe understandable. No one even makes eye contact with you on the street anymore, yet everyone hopes for their love lives to play out like fucking Notting Hill or to instantly become intimate and close with someone you’ve just met. The reality hits hard when that doesn’t happen and you should deal with it appropriately.
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Morello may be a stalker, but I’m not going to sit here on my duct taped sofa and deny that I haven’t ever been in unrequited love with someone, that shit is awful. And you do what you can to deal with it, the fact that Morello is in prison because she took her obsession too far is a precautionary tale: don’t ever get so obsessed with crime and designer shoes that you have to visit the post office and meet an attractive man who you will become obsessed with, stalk, and try to kill, because that will land you in the can. The Devil Defrauds Prada.

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She’s also a sweet woman who realises she’s fucked up and she’s sorry, she’s obviously still mad jealous, but never disillusioned…

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We’ve all been there. Anyway, she could always be like “JJ” from Those Texts that a New Zealand radio show re-enacted  as a script to really show how clingy women can be, and I do think, again, that this woman is obsessive, but is she wrong to want a straight answer? Having been on the receiving end of liking a guy, dating them, and then the mysterious text drought afterwards, I understand how frustrating it can be. But trust me, I have done both; never text back again and text shitty message basically saying I know what’s going on, and NEITHER OF THEM WORK! There is literally nothing you can do, and not to get all “He’s Just Not That Into You” about this but, if a guy wants to speak to you, he will find a way, there is nothing you can do, or say, or bombs you can make and tape under his car, or change about yourself to make him like you. It’s taken me ages to figure this out, and it’s still a fucking dick move, but if you don’t want to see someone anymore, for whatever reason, JUST SAY WHY. (Sidebar, how many people would join a strong political campaign for this modelled entirely on the drugs one, “Just say No”? comment if you want in). I’m not saying I condone the acts of these people, I’m just saying I can understand what led them there, other than possible mental illness.

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And even after all of her stalking and explicit relationship with Nicky, she still believes love will happen for her outside prison, in the conventional marriage way. I mean can you imagine that? You’re lonely as fuck, committing crime, you meet a nice guy, things seem hopeful at first but he doesn’t like you, so then you STALK him and try to KILL him and his new girlfriend AND you go to prison for fraud and you STILL have hope?! Fucking brave as shit.

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So if you’re single, lap it up, don’t be sad, because at least you have more time for the important things in life, like Pinterest, crying and stuffing potato waffles into your face.

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And try really hard not to become too obsessed with anyone because A- they probably aren’t worth your time if they’re not entirely obsessed with you too, and B- you’re a badass bitch from hell and don’t let anyone think otherwise.

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London Lad$

I’ve now moved to London for work, and mainly all I’ve heard off everyone isn’t, “Oh well done, that’s going to open up so many career possibilities for you and you’re going to have the time of your life!” It has been, “Oh you’re going to find a nice man in London! You’re going to meet such a rich financier!” What the fuck is with everyone? I’m not chasing dick around the country, and I don’t have a compass that always points to due Penis. My love of hip-hop has instilled the ideals of the man I want anyway, so listen to these life lessons: